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The Personality of Friendship
But sophomore year our personalities became stronger, and we started realizing how different we were. Although we still spent most of our time together, she started to spend time with other people, doing natural teenager things like going to popular hang-outs and attending co-ed parties, while I studied and limited my interaction with boys to Church dances. I, a traditionalist, didn’t understand why she was dissatisfied with the status quo, and she, a free spirit, thought that I was stifling, even judgmental. Our personalities were too different. By our senior year, things had totally fallen apart. After all our years of being best friends, we didn’t even sign one another’s yearbooks. Dealing with a different personality can be difficult at the least, and unbearable at most. And, in a culture where we are encouraged to love everyone and bear one another’s burdens—or at least visit two families once a month—we come across the conflict of different personalities more often than some. How should you comfort your friend when you know he places little value in emotion? How should do you confront a problem with your best friend when you know she’s non-confrontational? Difference of personality frequently causes miscommunication and confusion, especially when we don’t know how to address conflict. The first key to solving these difficulties and being a good friend is to identify the personality characteristics of the person you’re dealing with. “People of different personalities can still have wonderful friendships. It’s just a matter of appreciating their talents,” says Paul Tieger, author of several books, including Do What You Are and Just Your Type and CEO of SpeedReading People, LLC, which teaches people how to better communicate with others by knowing their type. After you identify your friend’s characteristics, you know their gifts and how they can help you. And then you can better understand how you can help them. Personality Psychology Type A, Type B. Green, Red, Gold, Yellow. Choleric, sanguine, bilious, phlegmatic. The study of personality dates back to the ancients, including even Plato and Socrates. Early on, four distinct personality temperaments were identified: (1) spontaneous and light-hearted, but sometimes impulsive; (2) hard working and reliable, but sometimes rigid; (3) innovative and logical, but sometimes unsympathetic; and (4) authentic and introspective, but sometimes judgmental. Through the years, the four personality temperaments have persisted. In the 1940s, Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers, using the theories of Carl Jung, even created a personality inventory called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a test that measures the test-taker’s inclination to four different areas (Extroversion or Introversion, Sensing or Intuition, Thinking or Feeling, and Judging or Perceiving); the sixteen resulting options can be grouped again into the four temperaments. “What temperament, type, and any other model allow you to do is crawl outside of your own framework and see that there are other ways of looking at things,” says Dr. Linda Berens, an expert on applied temperament theory and founder of Interstrength Associates. “Basically we presume everyone else is like us. . . . We [also] interpret what their behavior should be based on our needs and values.” While no one personality type can truly classify any person—we all have individually unique characteristics and attributes that overlap between the types—everyone tends to lean toward one type, and that type can provide general guidelines for understanding the person and knowing what they need. The Stabilizer/Traditionalist (1) These people find comfort in rules; they like stability, the status quo, and a sense of community. Because they know procedures in and out, they’re great at looking at situations and knowing where things can go wrong. Stabilizers are often the ones to jump in when a task needs to be completed. These tasks aren’t necessarily what they want to do, but Stabilizers know they need to get done, so they’ll do them. “What’s really core to them is that they have a place to contribute,” says Berens. When others buck tradition or work against established structures, the Stabilizer is confused. They hold to the phrase, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Stabilizers do not like unpredictability, and when their schedule is thrown off, they feel lost. Because they rely so much on rules and social structures, Stabilizers can sometimes be viewed as rigid, uncreative, or stubborn. In reality, they trust past experience implicitly, and because they “know” their way will work without fail, friends may be hard-pressed to convince them into trying another way. A Stabilizer’s tendency toward Thinking or Feeling judgments is significant in how they react to relationships, so it is important to further classify them. Stabilizers who prefer Thinking tend to be good at thinking logically through situations, but aren’t as conscientious of others’ feelings; Stabilizers who prefer Feeling, on the other hand, tend to be so sensitive about others’ feelings that they may illogically look at themselves as the cause for others’ reactions (e.g., “I must have said something to offend her; that’s why she hasn’t written back”). If you are a Stabilizer: The rules that govern a Stabilizer’s life can be their downfall if they become too rigid. To help your friendships, avoid forcing your traditional views on others, and appreciate their gifts and contributions. Be flexible and careful not to dismiss views out-of-hand just because they are new or different. “The [Stabilizer] frequently sees things in black and white,” says Tieger. “They need to accept the grey.” Flexibility will also help you avoid conflict: Stabilizers have their plans and like them, but if someone is inconsistent, Stabilizers should overcome the instinct to get angry and remember the perspective of the offender. If you are a friend of a Stabilizer: Stabilizers take care of the small things that make everything else run smoothly. Hence, it is easy to miss their contributions—after all, we only recognize the small things when they don’t get done. “Stabilizers have a tendency to wind up doing things that need to be done because they need to be done, and then not getting appreciated for it,” says Berens. “They are the ones who are in appreciation deficit the most.” Be careful not to take advantage of the small things the Stabilizer in your life does. Show appreciation for the travel plans he made for your fishing trip; thank her for organizing the invites and food for the shower you’re throwing together. Also, help them explore the lighter side of life. Stabilizers like the satisfaction that comes from work, but they easily caught up in getting things done, and fun gets overlooked. Take them out, and remind them to take a step back from their to-do list. Finally, be sensitive of their schedules; if you have to change plans, give them notice. Stabilizers in Conflict: Conflicts usually arise with a Stabilizer over how something is going to be done. In any situation, be sensitive to the Stabilizer’s naturally detail-oriented personality. “Lay it out for them and give explicit instances; ‘This, this, and this happened.’” Tieger says. Berens mentions that Stabilizers also need reliability in conflict resolution: “It’s not just about talk—you have to follow through.” Stabilizers, who sometimes hang on to hurts or grudges, can also do something important in resolving conflict: let go. The Improviser/Experiencer These people are marked for their spontaneity and desire to take advantage of every opportunity life has to offer. Even if an Experiencer is late for the party, they are its life. They love to entertain and are friendly and fun to be around. They also have a good eye for beauty and balance. They have an ability to know how things work and are skilled at using tools and whatever resources (tangible or intangible) they have to accomplish an end. As people who appreciate opportunities as they come, Experiencers dislike parameters, enjoying rather their own initiative in reaching their goals. Every opportunity Experiencers meet is one they want to take, as they tend to believe that “opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.” Experiencers can also be seen as impulsive. They may make decisions off the cuff and may sometimes abandon a nearly complete project in favor a more exciting, inspiring project. Their unpredictability isn’t bad to them as it may seem to you—it allows them the freedom to seize opportunities as they come. Like Stabilizers, Experiencers vary greatly depending on their tendency toward Thinking or Feeling judgments. Thinking Experiencers can be very organized and logical, though more involved projects still lose their interest and arbitrary structure turns them off. Feeling Experiencers are sensitive to criticism and work on projects in bursts of energy, causing them to become disorganized or unfocused. If you are an Experiencer: “It’s not unusual for Experiencer to change ideas,” says Tieger. With a mind so open to possibilities, it’s easy to understand that the Experiencer frequently finds that their friends are frustrated with their elasticity. “One of the things the [Experiencer] has to learn in friendship,” says Berens, “is the consequences of constantly being open to a new opportunity, that sometimes other people have different needs and changing the plan upsets them.” Remember that others are not like you; they don’t understand the need to be open to new ideas and don’t account for last-minute changes. Keep in mind the consequences each time you change your plans. If you are a friend of an Experiencer: One of the most important things to do is understand the roots of the Experiencer’s impulsivity, a label which Berens calls her “biggest beef” with classifications for this personality. “Immature [Experiencers] can be impulsive, but we all can,” she points out. “For them is it’s painful to see an opportunity and not take it. If somebody has a goal for getting a job and an opportunity comes up for a seminar that’s going to help them get that job, everybody might want to take advantage of it, but that’s going to feel very painful for the [Experiencer] to not take the opportunity.” This urge to take every opportunity to better themselves is what makes Experiencers seem impulsive; when they cancel, it’s not because they place less value on you or the relationship. For this reason, “the Experiencer needs the freedom to do what they see needs to be done now,” says Berens. “They respond well to wiggle room.” Responding to the fact that the Experiencer loves excitement so much, Tieger adds, “Their friends need to bring fun, responsiveness, and spontaneity.” Experiencers in Conflict: “Let’s move on,” might be a good phrase to describe the Experiencer’s view of conflict. They take advantage of the moment and look to future opportunities, so don’t expect them to linger on the past. “Deal with it as close to the moment as you can,” says Berens. Don’t expect to talk a lot about it; Experiencers want to deal with it and get to the next thing. Once you resolve the issue, don’t rehash it. The Catalyst/Idealist The main goal of Catalysts is to identify and be true to their own unique identity. Almost as important for them is to work towards a greater good, and they see that the best way to reach that is through cooperation. To complement their desire for cooperation, they have a natural talent for empathy, and their thoughts are usually the product of astute observations of patterns and connections between people and things. “They want to build up the bridges between people,” says Berens. They are great cheerleaders to the people in their lives, helping them to see the good in themselves, and usually the ones to listen or lend a hand. In most situations, they may apply the phrase, “united, we stand; divided, we fall.” Because of their strong orientation towards harmony, they tend to avoid or side-step conflict, sometimes making them appear indifferent. If they do address conflict, it is in a diplomatic way, which sometimes makes them seem wishy-washy. With their orientation towards intuition and feeling, they may neglect facts and aim towards a future that friends see as abstract or impossible. But, by “avoiding reality,” the Catalyst is in fact working to create a better reality—one of unity and possibility. If you are a Catalyst: Aside from maintaining harmony, authenticity and remaining true to their values is of greatest importance to Catalysts. This creates important stability in friendship, but it also means that Catalysts can be judgmental. As such, the Catalyst should be careful to avoid moralizing and should be accepting of friends who change their minds on values. Catalysts should also be true to their harmonizing tendencies, but they should be careful to be succinct and honest in their interactions, so that their friends don’t get confused. “Because harmony is of the utmost importance to them, they’ll tell little white lies to preserve harmony,” says Tieger. “They need to risk being honest and hurting other people’s feelings.” If you are a friend of a Catalyst: You are in luck. Catalysts are very loyal, nurturing, and empathetic friends. While they may not give you advice on how to act, you’ll frequently come away from them feeling positively about yourself. In return, what Catalysts need most is to be appreciated. Having a unique identity is important to them, and just as they endeavor to understand and appreciate others, “it is very important for Catalysts to feel like they are understood and appreciated for who they are, not just for what they do,” as Berens says. Their naturally feeling nature means that they also need someone to talk with. “The [Catalyst] needs a friend to share their feelings with, which includes validating how they feel, as well as—gently—giving them honest feedback, when necessary,” says Tieger. Catalysts in Conflict: Most friends of Catalysts feel that the Catalyst runs from conflict. It’s understandable: they want to preserve harmony. But Berens says that believing Catalysts run from conflict is just a misunderstanding: “I think they would rather not have the conflict,” she says. Say two friends have a significant falling-out, and the Catalyst friend still wants to be friends with both people. When he is in town to see one of the friends, he will likely not let the other know, because he knows he can’t resolve the issue and he doesn’t want to force another to revisit pain. “So it’s really not avoiding the conflict,” says Berens, “it’s recognizing that he can’t resolve the conflict, so he’s going to try to avoid bringing someone else pain.” In fact, she says, “When there is a conflict, they will often be the ones to brave that conflict and bring it to the surface.” In dealing with the conflict, make sure to be genuine to the Catalyst. They value authenticity above all else, and they’ll appreciate your sincerity. Also, when introducing the subject, “let them know you care about them,” says Tieger. Be willing to talk and get to the bottom of the issue because, really, the Catalyst wants to find and resolve the root of the problem. In return, the Catalyst should remember to be clear and honest in the discussion. The Theorist/Conceptualizer Conceptualizers have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and aim to gain as much as possible. Part of this stems from their natural curiosity, but part of it comes from a desire to make theories and informed decisions about everything. In making judgments, Conceptualizers pride themselves on coming to logical conclusions, which they see as more fair and truthful than trying to guess for subjective variables. The Conceptualizer also aims at mastery of every area he or she pursues; however, if the evidence presents itself, they are willing to admit that they may not have mastered something. They consistently reformulate their theories based on new information, closely following Euripides’ advice to “question everything.” The Conceptualizer’s love of objectivity typically causes them to avoid emotion, whether that be discussing emotion or showing it. Berens says that the Conceptualizer’s view is, “If I go there [emotion], I can’t think; and if I can’t think, I can’t give you my best.” Also, their constant desire to develop their own opinion makes them, by nature, seem very opinionated. When they see an opportunity for improvement, they can give this opinion liberally, and, if not tempered by some appreciation of others’ needs and emotions, the Conceptualizer can be abrasive. While they may seem critical, the motivation of the Conceptualizer is to give clear (though sometimes blunt) judgments in order to help improve, not to tear down. If you are a Conceptualizer: You are a great resource to friends when they need advice; they can come to you and expect honesty and sound understanding. However, you may sometimes you get preoccupied with your thoughts and seem distant to others. Work at listening to them and pulling yourself out of your world so that you can be there for them. Try to be more empathetic. If you are a friend of a Conceptualizer: “They’re very independent people,” says Tieger. He adds, “What they need most is respect for their good ideas and their good judgment.” Thank them for their advice and acknowledge their good ideas. Furthermore, don’t expect the Conceptualizer to sit down and talk about feelings, or to appreciate when you get emotional. “[Conceptualizers] want things calm,” says Berens. “It isn’t that they don’t have feelings, it’s that they don’t want emotions to interfere with their ability to think.” Try to remain calm, and understand that their talent is advice, not sympathy. “They tend not to give sympathy. It’s got nothing to do with whether they care about you,” says Tieger. Everybody cares for someone, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to show it in the way that someone needs. “It’s when people expect things that the other person can’t deliver that the hurt is greatest,” he adds. Conceptualizers in Conflict: For Conceptualizers, dealing with conflict is wanting to understand it. “Let them know the logical reasons for why you feel the way you do,” says Tieger. “If you talk just about how they hurt your feelings, they won’t understand.” If they ask you to continue to define the problem, continue to give them the data. “Unlike with the [Catalyst], it’s okay to hit them over the head with it,” he says. Being the Best Kind of Friend Now you have the descriptions. But a word of caution: just because you’ve read this, other books, or are an expert in the area, don’t make assumptions about your friend’s temperament. “I still fall into that trap,” admits Berens. “We like to name it, label it, then set it aside and not think about it.” This can influence us to overgeneralize attitudes between unique people—if we’ve had past experience with a certain personality, we might assume another person with that personality has the same tendencies. “We all have different parents and values and, though you and I might have the same type, we have unique ways of looking at and dealing with things,” says Tieger. These typologies can help you become a better friend, but more important than the needs of each type is trying to understand. Learn your friends’ talents, outlooks, and tendencies by observing. Go to a Catalyst for sympathy, and go to a Conceptualizer to help solve a problem. “There’s no better or worse personality, just different gifts,” says Tieger. Knowing and appreciating those gifts is where a friend is the best kind of friend. And that’s what I learned with Becca. The night before I left for college, I saw her at a farewell party. We hardly spoke, but before I left, I hugged her and said, “I’m so glad I got to see you.” She broke down, telling me to write to her, because she’d “write everyday.” Slowly, we reconnected. We re-learned one another, I, careful to appreciate her differing viewpoints, motivation, and talents, and she, careful not to condemn mine as illogical or dated. Our personalities are wonderfully different. And, though I haven’t seen her in several years, we still continue to learn from one another, appreciating the growth we allow one another through our talents and unique perspectives on life. (1) Names differ among experts. For the two experts cited here, Linda Berens uses the names Stabilizer™, Improviser™, Theorist™, and Catalyst™ in her works. Paul Tieger uses Traditionalist, Experiencer, Conceptualizer, and Idealist in his. These names are alternated throughout the article. Just for fun . . . An Unlikely Friendship In 1775, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams met for the first time. They seemed opposites in almost every way: Adams was a short, volatile, outspoken extrovert, and Jefferson was a tall, diplomatic, reserved introvert; but both were idealistic and determined, and they soon began a close friendship. Over the next fifty years, they would counsel with one another, though life and ideals would challenge their friendship. They became close as they served in foreign appointments, together and apart. While their letters spoke of international affairs more than personal, theirs was a practical friendship: they valued one another as revolutionaries and politicians, and used each other as sounding boards. Then, in the late 1790s, Adams, head of the Federalist party, and Jefferson, head of the opposing Republican party, found themselves at the forefront of hotly adversarial factions. Adams was progressively discredited as Jefferson and the Democratic-Republicans protested his Federalist government; then in 1801, Jefferson defeated Adams in a race for the presidency, ending Adams’s long political career. The conflict and defeat made Adams bitter towards Jefferson, and Jefferson made little effort to restore cordiality. It wasn’t until 1812 that they became reconciled. They again corresponded, and became even closer than before. Disregarding current events, they enjoyed discussing philosophy, evaluating their revolutionary efforts, and sharing personal pursuits. Their friendship lasted until their deaths on the very same day—July 4, 1826. Over those fourteen years, they wrote 158 letters and came to deeply admire and care for one another. Lean on Me In an age when researchers search the mind-body connection, it’s no surprise that studies have attempted to find the impact of friendship on health. And the impact certainly exists: people with strong networks of friends have better emotional health; stronger immune systems; better eating, exercising, and sleep habits; longer life expectancy, especially during life-threatening illnesses; and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which has adverse health effects. Conversely, those without strong connections tend to have a lower life expectancy, higher blood pressure, and higher incidence of obesity. While the benefits from friendship require time, they don’t require as much as you think. Quick telephone calls or e-mails contribute significantly to a strong network. And even if your spouse or sibling is your “best friend,” time with them doesn’t count as friend time to your body: friends offer a different kind of support than family or a partner does. So take an afternoon off from laundry and spend time with your bosom buddies. You never know—it could save your life. LDS Living, Jan/Feb 2009
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Today's date: March 19, 2010
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