The Teen Years
by Ronald John Zirker, Parent and Teen: Teamed for Success, 21-39.

What if those preteen years have slipped away and the teen has not yet learned to be responsible?

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“There is no way my teen could possibly hold down a job at sixteen—he can’t even follow through on one task I give him here at home to do. He flaunts my curfew rules, is failing in school, hasn’t developed any talents, and hangs around with a group of teenagers I don’t approve of. The thought of sitting down together and working on goals is unthinkable. He doesn’t even eat with us at the table, let alone join us for a planning session.”

“My daughter has been dating since thirteen and is going steady at fifteen. If I tried to break them up, I believe she would run away.”

In my work as a school psychologist, I hear these comments often, from parents sometimes bitter, sometimes despairing. Included are the tragic stories of drugs, promiscuity, theft, even homicide and suicide.

I have sensed feelings of guilt and resentment when I’ve sketched the scenario in the preceding chapter. The gap between what should have been done years ago and what actually took place can leave a feeling of helplessness and failure. “But what can I do now? Is it too late?”

The answer is no. I truly believe that it is never too late, even after death. And the first step in changing things is to get rid of that sense of failure. Not only does it paralyze your own sense of direction (“If it’s too late, there’s nothing I can do now”), but your teen may sense that feeling and transfer it to himself. You may nonverbally communicate such thoughts as:

“You’re worthless now—ruined. Why try anymore? You’re never going to amount to anything. I’m tired of trying. I don’t want any more to do with you.” I’ve even heard parents compare their life with the war in heaven: “God lost a third of his spirit children!” In effect, such parents are throwing away their children.

Take away a person’s belief in himself and emphasize that no one else believes in him either, and what do you have left? A person in this state of mind will react one of three ways: (1) something inside him will fight and search for someone or something to restore a sense of worth; (2) he will withdraw from challenge and from failure; or (3) he will entertain thoughts of ending his life. If he chooses the first, the search, he has two choices—he could get involved in drugs, promiscuity, gambling, theft, and other antisocial activities, or he could rise through his own determination to prove everyone wrong. Many success stories recount the triumphant struggle with a deprived childhood that motivated a youth to change his circumstances by changing his life.

The most common reaction to feelings of failure, however, and the one least noticed by adults, is choosing to be mediocre—choosing the line of least resistance; doing just enough to keep out of real trouble. Children who take this course stop wanting to be or do anything really significant.

What can parents do? The hardest work is to keep things in perspective. Because of our children’s premortal existence, they, like us, come into life with unique personalities and already-developed character traits. You don’t get a manufacturer’s handbook, though, with a child, so beware of simply blaming things you don’t like on the preexistence. Heredity also adds thousands of physical variables that will determine in part his capacity for growth and opportunities. These are givens. Your children are stuck with yours just as you’re stuck with theirs.

Environment, the third major influence, is where you have your influence. Yet others also have influence in this area. Sometimes, through no fault of the parents, someone may have given a teen a view of reality that the parents don’t agree with. For years our daughter looked forward to college, took college prep courses, planned on a degree, and looked forward to marriage and a home and family. Then, right in the middle of a discussion with me about the future, she burst into tears and said, “All this planning is pointless. There’s no point in talking about it anymore.”

I was horrified. She had sacrificed many teenage parties and frivolous activities for Church service and disciplined study. What had happened? A few questions revealed a discussion she had had with an influential Church leader who had speculated casually about the approximate date of the great conflicts preceding the second coming of Christ. He felt the date for a holocaust could be as early as 1986. This fear, perhaps coupled with rumors at school and media concern about nuclear weapons, paralyzed her. “I may not even be here by then,” she wailed. “Why should I prepare for something that may not even happen?” Preparation now seemed like a waste of time.

Sherri and I explained that we had entertained the same fears and showed her some of the debate notes we had used in college about the arms race and impending holocaust. We were still here, even though we couldn’t guarantee her tomorrow. She listened as we counseled her to make her plans as though she were going to live a hundred years.

The next day she filled out her application for college—-something she had put off for months.

What if we had not had the discussions? What if our daughter’s environment had continued to be shaped by that one experience? How many teenagers are there who just need someone to talk to?

What can a parent do? Start by having a heart-to-heart talk with a teenager who has started to stray—or, indeed, one who has been straying. The relationship between you needs to be one of love and trust. In fact, if you aren’t close enough to talk openly and honestly, it may be an indication that your teen is doing something he knows you wouldn’t like. If my teen fails to look me in the eye when we are talking, or is evasive or vague, I know it’s time to have a heart-to-heart interview without fail and without delay.

During such interviews, I don’t demand that my teen open up, but I do ask, “Is there anything on your mind I need to know about? Something seems to be bothering you. If so, I’d like to help.”

If he insists everything is all right and I can sense it is not, I smile at him warmly and thank him for talking with me. I make it clear that I’m available if there is anything he needs help with in the future.

Then I return to step one, the self-centered stage, as mentioned in chapter 2. How is this done with a teenager? Read his needs and meet them promptly, exactly as you did when he was a baby. Find every excuse you can think of to be with him. Attend his activities, work with him while he is doing his chores, fix his favorite foods, find everything you can that’s good about him and tell him often. Step up the physical affection. And pray. Pray to feel love overriding your anger and disappointment. Pray for patience. Pray for sensitivity about the teen’s needs. Your teen probably isn’t praying very much— you pray for him.

But isn’t this approach just abandoning standards, discipline, and responsibility—showing the other children that they can get away with anything? No, it isn’t, because along with the love, you also go back to early discipline.

When you are interacting with a newborn, you don’t expect very much from him. You take care of his needs, you keep him close to you, and you cuddle him continuously. If, as a baby, he picks up a knife, you don’t give him a long discourse on why knives are dangerous and should not be one of his playthings. You divert his attention to something he can play with and place the knife in a place where he can’t reach it.

When a relationship needs to be rekindled, that isn’t the time to preach or nag or point out what the person is doing wrong. Teenagers almost always know when they are doing something wrong—but, like a newborn, they have little personal control and need support to regain the strength to overcome their problems. As with a baby, that means making the environment safe again. Of course, it’s harder with a teen because you don’t have complete control over his environment.

Remember, you accept your child, but you don’t accept his behavior. Your teen needs to understand that he must earn the freedom to direct his own life. If the relationship between the two of you has deteriorated to the point that he is destructive physically, mentally, or spiritually, then he may have to be removed for a time to prevent him from repeating transgressions that would double his recovery time. Consult professionals. Pretending the problem doesn’t exist, refusing to face it, backing down from dealing with it—these approaches are extremely damaging, both to your relationship and to your teen’s opportunities to progress.

I remember a teenage friend whose father was the stake president. Because his father rarely spent time with him, he drifted into a group that satisfied his need to belong. Cigarettes were part of their life-style. He accepted them and, before long, had become addicted. But he hated himself for it and desperately wanted to quit. Lacking the strength to tell his friends no, he needed the strength of his parents to “forbid” him to see these friends again. So he placed a package of cigarettes in his coat pocket and left the coat in the front hall with the package of cigarettes showing. He told me how he watched from an adjoining room as his father walked in the front door—praying that his father would see the cigarettes and call him to task. He said his father immediately saw the coat, stopped short as his eyes fell on the cigarettes, pulled them from the pocket and looked at them with a shocked, hurt look, shook his head, and replaced the cigarettes in the pocket. My friend said he waited for the deserved rebuke, but his father, not knowing how to handle the situation, did nothing. He had to leave for another meeting and kept postponing the confrontation until he knew what to say. The time never came. The young man felt betrayed, rejected, and uncared for. He continued to flounder.

In this young teen’s case, a clear requirement that he leave the cigarettes alone was what the young man wanted—removing the knife. Then he needed a more attractive diversion—a man-to-man talk about the future, preparing for it, outlining steps toward it, with the parent defining the parameters for him for a while.

A teenager on drugs requires the same firm control, with the parent available constantly to help him overcome the habit. The teenager needs the daily support of encouraging, loving words: “You can overcome this, and you must. You have too much to offer in this life, many great things to accomplish. You’re needed, you’re important, you’re special, and I just can’t stand by and watch you give up everything without a fight.”

You need to pray with all of your soul to be able to say that and mean it. Nagging, forcing, and intimidation are all negative influences that hinder the communication of love and, inevitably, the ability to influence. It is vital, therefore, to communicate in every way you can that you love your child unconditionally. He needs to understand that it is his behavior that needs changing (not him personally) and not for you personally. Forget about any embarrassment you might be feeling because you have a son or daughter in trouble. Focus on your vision for your children and your desire to help them overcome any obstacle that would curtail their full enjoyment of life.

I remember a family that communicated this beautifully. The parents were active in the Church, had several children, and had worked diligently to teach them the gospel. However, one of their daughters, a beautiful, queenly girl, began sampling life with a group who did not live up to her standards. She began accepting drinks at parties, and one thing led to another. Before long, she became pregnant. She said that her first thoughts were mercilessly accusing: “You’re worthless now. Ruined. Why try anymore? No good man is going to want you. Enjoy life while you can. Drop out of school. You’re not going to need an education anymore. Keep your baby and teach her that life is unfair and cruel and that the only way to survive is to look out for number one. Don’t provide her with a father. Teach her to hate men. You’re not worthy to attend Church anymore. Stay away from the bishop. He’ll only use you as an example to the other girls of how not to be. You don’t need that. Come to the singles bar where you can really be appreciated. There is work for you there, money to be made, great times still ahead.”

Her wonderful parents, however, convinced her that she had everything in life to look forward to. They counseled her to go to the bishop and do whatever he told her to do—that they loved her and would support her through it. The bishop counseled her to give up the baby for adoption and go back to school. She did, though it took two years before she felt really worthy to attend church without feeling the sting of guilt. She hardly trusted herself in any situation and even felt hesitant about accepting dates with worthy returned missionaries. But she kept diligently to her studies, and eventually, just before graduating from college, she met a persistent young man who saw her and loved her. Today, they have a lovely family, he’s a doctor and a member of the bishopric; she’s on the Relief Society stake board. Their eldest son is on a mission, and their daughter was just married in the temple. Here was a teen who, through the support of her family, was able to believe in herself again, and her life returned to its progressive course.

The kind of trouble a teen can attract can have lifelong consequences. It is vital that someone reach out—and it may take more than one person. It may be a Scoutmaster, a seminary teacher, a truant officer, an aunt, or a grandparent. When a teen feels guilty and aware of transgression, he may not believe it when someone tells him he is still worthwhile. He may need several to provide that witness to him.

Change never happens without a price, and your teen may not have what it takes. Can you pay that price in money, time, prayers, and an unyielding faith in him when all his faith in himself is gone?

Your teen will need individual contact daily with someone to whom he or she accounts for his or her behavior and who provides opportunities to overcome the problem: repay the shoplifting, place the baby for adoption, turn oneself in for drug rehabilitation. This person must also help the teen refocus on the future with a new vision.

The troubled teen needs a lot of opportunities to talk about his feelings, fears, and worries. He needs someone he can go to when he feels as though he’s slipping again, someone who will help him be strong until the urge passes.

Then he needs to begin building for the future by developing a talent or a skill. One of the 1984 Olympic skiers is a former juvenile delinquent whose therapy required him to develop a talent. In a tightly structured daily routine, he perfected his talent.

What if your teen rejects you, won’t talk, runs away, gets institutionalized? Or just quits school, leaves town, or sets up in an apartment of his own? What if he won’t meet with you, hangs up on phone calls, or tears up letters? What if you’re reaching but he’s beyond reach? Remember, he isn’t.

Never, never, never give up. Don’t give up your love for him. Don’t give up your vision for him. Don’t give up his place in the family circle.

What you can do is continue to provide a firm witness of what is right, your faith in your teen’s ability to discipline himself, and your equally firm witness that he has greatness in him. What you can’t control is your teen’s behavior. What you can control, with the Lord’s help, is yours. And that includes setting standards for your teen and requiring accountability.

One young teenage girl insisted on courting the favors of a young man who persistently encouraged her to go against her standards. He tempted her with marijuana and succeeded. When she became pregnant, he helped her get an abortion. All efforts of the parents to stop their daughter from seeing him failed. They finally told her she would have to choose between seeing the young man or living in their home. Marijuana would no longer be tolerated in the house, nor would the presence of the young man. She chose to leave home.

As they watched her pack her belongings, they told her they wanted her to know two things. First, no matter what she did, they would always love her. Second, they said “You are our daughter and we will never deny that relationship.”

She disappeared for some time—communicating with her elder brother now and then, but refusing to have anything to do with her parents.

The family prayed for her daily and expressed a continual desire for her welfare. The daughter, meanwhile, lived the life she wanted to live. It seemed okay for a while, but in her heart she learned to understand what her parents had against the things she was doing. She began to realize how unfair it was of her to expect her parents to have to pick up the pieces time after time while she flaunted their rules.

When left alone to live as she chose, she suddenly realized that her life’s direction truly was her decision. Was this what she really wanted? Did she enjoy the freedoms that were slowly enslaving her? What did she really believe in? What did she want out of life’s The moment of decision for her came when she faced a second pregnancy. She had quickly removed the inconvenience before under the direction of her boyfriend. But would she go through it again? She decided it was time to make decisions on her own.

Deciding that abortion was wrong and making the decision to have the baby, she now faced the question of where to go from there. To stay in the environment she was in would only compound her problems. No one was willing to support her righteous desires.

Wanting the best for her unborn baby, she suddenly understood the unconditional love for her that her parents had expressed the night she left home. Mustering courage, she humbly rang the doorbell of her parents’ home. They were there— physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She understood the conditions of her remaining there and accepted her parents’ right to require them. With their help she was able to slowly regain the strength she needed to cope independently.

The parents were careful to convey to their daughter in every way they could that they were not her source of strength. She would become strong by accepting responsibility for her actions and living in accordance with correct principles.

They lovingly pointed out that, though their love would never wane, it could not magically remove the effects of drug addiction or the reality of pregnancy. What their love could accomplish was to provide an outstretched hand to pull their teen back onto the straight and narrow way—if that was where she chose to go.

They did not succumb to the temptation to relive the past. Though they knew there may have been times when they hadn’t done all they thought they should have in those preteen years, they refused to let their teen communicate to them such false messages as “It’s too late” or “This is all your fault.” They understood that she would have to answer for her life regardless of what they did or didn’t do. She had her agency and so did they. The thing to do now was to concentrate on the best possible future.

Contrasting examples include the mother whose son has weathered a divorce and committed criminal acts. She has paid his fines, fed him, cared for his children, bought his cars, and bailed him out when he’s lost job after job. Afraid to stand up to him for fear of having him run away, she has bent to his demands, allowed her home to be filled with black-painted walls; strobe lights; loud, pulsating music; and marijuana smoke. “He’s my son and I love him; I can’t bear to see him go without,” she says.

Another mother whose son has committed similar errors counseled him to find a way to pay his bills or suffer the consequences. She has continued with her life of service as a temple worker, has completed two missions for the Church, and sends her love consistently through letters and gifts to him as to her other children. “I love him dearly,” she commented, “and pray for the day when he will remember who and what he is and rise to it!”

Remember, it is not the actions of our children that will determine the quality of our parenting. How we handle those actions is what counts. I’ll never forget the time we gave two of our children, ages thirteen and nine, some money to spend at a nearby mall. They brought home a pocketful of penny candy to share with the rest of the family. A week later, they wanted to do it again with their allowance, so we took them to the mall and gave them instructions to meet us at the front of the mall in an hour. No sooner had we arrived home than the telephone rang.

“Hello, may I speak to the Zirkers, please? Two of your children tried to walk out of my restaurant without paying for their dinner. I would appreciate it if you could come down immediately and take care of this matter.”

Sherri’s best friend happened to be at the house when the telephone call came. She had wanted children of her own for years and had frequently told us how she envied our family life. We were doubly embarrassed at the less-than-exemplary stunt.

Excusing ourselves, we went to the mall, paid the bill, and had a serious discussion all the way home. Children who take what isn’t theirs have to be watched, we told them, so they could not be alone in public. There were several opportunities available at home to work off the amount we had paid for them, and the minute they arrived home would be a good time to start. Children who wouldn’t control their behavior also couldn’t enjoy privileges reserved for those who would.

Several weeks later, Sherri’s friend telephoned to talk about the experience and surprised her by saying, “I never envied your parenthood as much as I did that day.”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Sherri said. “It wasn’t exactly my most uplifting experience.”

“No,” her friend continued, “you had the privilege that day of communicating a great lesson to your children. Who else would take the time to monitor their behavior and teach them a better way? You were needed and you were available. You’re in the position of being the greatest influence they have. Oh, Sherri, do you know how blessed you are?”

That friend gave us a new perspective. Besides giving troubled children time and attention, we need to demonstrate the tough kind of love that communicates, “You are too important to be allowed to believe that blessings can be obtained without paying a price for them.” Parents also need to communicate the steps involved in paying the price, walking children through restitution, standing by them during (but not shielding them from)consequences.

Teens need to understand that repentance is the tool that removes them from the influence of the adversary and restores their ability to progress under the influence of the Holy Ghost. Sometimes, this experience with the contrast in feelings and self-evaluation is one of the best teachers of values there is.

After all, the only control that counts in the eyes of the Lord is self- control. Your goal isn’t to gain control over your teen so he won’t transgress anymore, but to help him want control for himself—not to save you embarrassment, but because you know he will be happier.

If your teen is still in the house and under your influence, do something drastic to alter the environment. A day (or better yet, a week) away backpacking, horseback riding, or canoeing is great. This time should be spent in a place where the influences of the world are minimized and your awareness of each other is maximized. It is not the time for preaching. You may not even say a word. Certainly, parts of the experience will be awkward if you have drifted apart. Be prepared for that. Also be ready to see and share humor in your situation. Laughter is a great bond. Change takes place only after a significant emotional experience. You need to provide a setting where love can reassert its force.

This is also a time for you to do some rethinking and refeeling. Don’t be discouraged if nothing magic happens. The simple fact that you have chosen to spend time with your teen is a powerful message. Choose the same course again and again, if necessary, until he believes that love is behind the choice.

With love comes discipline. Don’t expect cooperation in the beginning, but do require obedience. Set the requirements and insist on accountability. (If you don’t do this, a truant officer will, or a bishop, or a juvenile court.) You are not bargaining with your teen, bribing him, punishing him, or threatening him. He is free to accept or reject the conditions of remaining in your home, eating the food you purchase, and wearing the clothes you buy. Freedom must be earned by responsible behavior, nothing more, nothing less. It is a hard lesson to learn—especially for one who has tasted freedom without paying the price. That’s why it may take more adults, more witnesses, more help, perhaps even more physical restraints: an institution, even jail. Be sure that you understand clearly the consequences of both obedience and disobedience and are committed to them before you make them clear to your teen. Be sure you explain the rewards of obedience as clearly as you explain the penalties of disobedience. Be sure you are realistic. You cannot require your teen to “gain a testimony.” You may not even be able to require your teen to “read the scriptures.” You can, however, require him to “take your turn offering family prayer and take your turn reading during family scripture study.” And keep the list manageable. Since you are requiring daily accountability, you should deal with a limited number of daily or at least weekly activities.

This period of spelled-out behavior and daily accountability must endure until you know your teen understands the need for restraints. Bishops sometimes set tentative timetables—a year of clean living before a temple recommend is issued or reissued. Truant officers let a youth out on probation and still require him to report weekly. Do not give in to either rebellion or sudden sweetness. Bestowing rewards on undeserving teens breeds mediocrity and irresponsibility. He must earn privileges.

However, the requirements and accountability are there, once set up. While he is waiting, and earning, and repaying, and restoring, and restraining—walk with him. Be a companion. Let him cry, and hurt, and talk, and talk, and talk. Rub a tired back, toss him his favorite candy bar, go out for a milk shake, fill a warm bath, keep stew on the burner, ask him to wash the car or to scratch the itch on your back.

Through all of your giving and caring and support, keep that vision of future responsibilities and freedoms before your teen. Let him imagine himself in settings where he will be not only able to support himself, but also be capable and prepared to help others. Keep the vision specific with a projected timetable.

And keep praying. Remember, this child is Heavenly Father’s, too. You are not alone in your parental concern.

I remember well a case in which a family’s continuity for training and teaching their children was broken continually by frequent moves. This often meant changing schools as well as neighborhoods, bishops, ward families, and other supportive help such as nearby relatives.

For some of the children the experience was an adventure, and they thrived on the changes, capitalizing on their ability to meet new people and learn new things.

For one son and one daughter, it was a disaster. Unable to move quickly into a new situation, they were each placed in the same grade two years in a row, were unable to discern the character of certain groups of teenagers, and eventually found themselves in company with those who encouraged them to significantly lower their standards. To further complicate matters, their father, prominent in business and church circles, was gone most of the time, leaving the mother to do most of the counseling and monitoring.

With several children at home and a disposition to mother young people away from home, the mother felt that tight surveillance on this particular problem did not seem warranted. Indeed, the behavior of both the son and the daughter remained mostly unnoticed. The young man began smoking and drinking; the young lady at age twelve began heavily dating men who were several years her senior.

The gap began to widen between the life-styles of these two teens and the accomplishments of those in the family who coped successfully. Repeated references to that effect didn’t help to bolster the already diminishing self- esteem of the erring son and daughter.

Conflict in the family increased as the low achievers were pitted against the high achievers. The result was early marriages for the son and daughter in trouble. The girl was married at age fifteen to a young man with questionable attributes. Though he was a member of the Church, he had joined only the year before, hadn’t served a mission, and worked with his father as a laborer. The son married a young girl, a junior in high school, the week after he graduated— no college, no job training, no mission.

Though these marriages broke the parents’ hearts, they tried to stay close to their children. They invited them to all of the family reunions and planned holiday parties and get-togethers, but the gap widened over the years. The rest of the children graduated from college; married strong, active Church members; and were able to provide stability for the new little spirits they gave birth to. With this stability, the grandchildren in these families grew and developed their talents, learning to serve and love those around them. They were bright students and earned scholarships to college and brought honor to their name.

In the other two homes, lack of stability and intense emotional conflict led to broken marriages, broken hopes, broken lives. The patterns for breaking the Word of Wisdom and the moral code became part of life for the next generation.

In spite of the differences between all of the children, however, a common thread bound them together emotionally and socially. Their parents had taken them on yearly vacations from the time they were born. They shared a common memory of hiking in the woods, swimming in the creek, pitching the tent, building huge bonfires, and singing and telling stories in the pitch-black of the night inside the tent. A deep friendship had developed between the entire family, and the gap closed when these memories surfaced.

Also, the parents had steadily held family prayers from the time they were married and had consistently talked of standards, temple covenants, and the importance of the gospel. Church attendance was automatic. Even when the son and daughter felt most alienated from the family and Church standards, they still felt at home at church.

The time came when bitter words were spoken, and in their own time and their separate circumstances, the son and daughter both moved far away and communication was lost for a time. The sons and daughters who had remained faithful felt “good riddance.” They felt their brother and sister were an embarrassment to the family, and there was always an undercurrent of tension when they were around.

Then a conference address by one of the General Authorities pricked their hearts. He talked about repenting and forgiving, and he encouraged more loving and accepting. The righteous sons and daughters searched their hearts for the love and comradeship they had once shared and fanned the dying embers into a burning flame. They purged their souls of the self-righteous disgust they felt when they noticed the ashtrays in their brother’s home or the worldliness in their sister’s life-style.

They wondered if their bigotry had helped widen the gap—if they had closed doors that their siblings might someday desire to enter. They prayed night and morning with their parents—not just for the members of the family who had strayed, but for the members of the family who lacked compassion, unconditional love, patience, and acceptance. They now prayed to find an opportunity just to let their brother and sister know they loved them.

One daughter remembers taking a week to gain enough courage to call her sister. She hadn’t spoken to her for years and was afraid her efforts would be rejected. She decided that she would have faith that the Lord loved them both and would soften her sister’s heart.

With a sincere and prayerful heart, she dialed the number. The tears in the voice of her sister were evidence enough that heart had reached heart and spirit had communicated with spirit. Truly sisters once more, they planned a reunion.

Years of animosity were dissolved, bitterness was erased, and the healing began. The family communicated with their brother, and the barriers that had made him feel so worthless began to be removed—more slowly than the sister’s, but steadily.

Today, the daughter and her husband are preparing to enter the temple. “For years I have envied you—wanting desperately to have the gospel in my home like you had—wanting a priesthood holder to bless our home and give stability like your husbands did,” she told her mother and sisters. For the first time in their married life, her husband was worthy to bless her during a recent illness.

Her own children sensed the change and are now making changes in their own lives. The guarded superficiality and undercurrent of tension is gone—from Church members, from the family within their family, and wholeheartedly from the family they grew up in.

I think the lesson that remains paramount, and one that all parents need to remember, is that regardless of the ages and stages children are in, they all have a common eternal ancestry. Their roots go beyond the stage they missed in their training and monitoring. Inside every child is a divine spirit. If divine principles are used, the spirit has a better-than-average chance to respond. That is why it is so important to pray, ponder, and meditate. We need to consistently seek to hear the word of the Lord.

This principle might tell you to wait for the final score—not to judge too readily. It may tell you to continue to love your children and set a good example. It will also remind you that it is not your responsibility to make your children accept the gospel or love you and all you stand for. You must stop taking the blame and start letting them accept the responsibility for their own actions.

All parents hope that their teens will eventually learn that life is full of problems and that easy solutions are not always available. We cannot avoid pain, frustration, and hard work, but personal growth results from learning to face and overcome difficulties. Parents also hope that youth will learn for themselves that self-reliance and inner motivation are the most important ingredients in successfully meeting life’s problems, and that they are personally capable of achieving such success—if not today, surely tomorrow!

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